ROUGHER! TOUGHER! BADDER! (rayefrenzy) wrote,

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All I want is more.

Oh boy. I have a lot to digest.

But I guess lets start with the life update stuff.

Friday Z took me out for a belated valentines day. We went to a moderately fancy place called Contigo and we got a lot of small plates and shared them and such. The place was fancy [I gussied myself up] but I was surprised how not-ridiculous the prices were. We'll have to go again sometime, although I'd prefer to just be able to go in jeans. Not that they have a dress code, but you know.

That night, it turned out, Landon and Tessa came down from Amarillo spontaneously. I was sort of on the fence about going out to Mr Tramps for hangouts and beers. I was p tired. So I decided to go to bed while Z went out.

Saturday Z had to work at the brewery to do tours. I dropped him off and went to the credit union to *finally* get started on my new years resolution- Get a credit card. So, I thought my credit was gonna be hella bad, but I somehow just have no credit. Which, I mean, okay. I'll take it. So, I'll find out if I get approved tomorrow. We'll see. Oh, and I'm getting renters insurance. Its cheap, and I have no excuse really.

After being responsible and an adult and shit, I went to the brewery and met up with Aaron and Aly and Landon and Tessa. We hung out for a bit, but they decided they were sleepy and they were gonna go back and nap. Z had to do his second tour. I just walked around the brewery neighborhood playing pokemon go.

Afterwards we were gonna get sushi at this place called Hanabi. We get there, sit down, and find out they dont do sushi anymore. Theyre a ramen place but also do grilled skewers. I didn't want to leave after being seated, so we just rolled with it. Tessa didn't want to nap and met up with us there. They were going to a Talking Heads cover band that night. Z and I were both like "nah" but Tessa said Landon really wanted us to hang out. Soooooo we went.

The show was fine, but I just dont care for the talking heads. I remeber used to be p good at recommending me music I'd like. But one time it was like "oh youd like the talking heads" and this is pre-youtube, so I torrented a best-of album and was thoroughly underwhelmed.

At any rate, after all that, we went to Black Star and then went home.

That night I had the worst cramps alongside indigestion. I slept like, an hour, was up for another 4, and then slept just a little bit more. But that's all right. I survived.

Sunday morning I went out to Debbie's to try on my wedding dress with the petticoat. It looks awesome, although I think I'mma get a corset. Anyone have any corset recommendations? Also, I'm glad even at my bloatiest, menstruatiest my dress looks good. We went to a place in Elgin called the brique. The food there was *so good* but the portions were huuuuge. I was so full.

Debbie's place is finally getting sold which really makes me sad. During a stint of homelessness, Debbie let me live out there with her, which was so sweet. Their land is really nice. But I guess landlords gonna lord the land.

After Debbie's, I went out by the Oasis brewery to meet up with my dad's old best friend Todd. He's been in Austin for, like, 20 years now, but we just hadn't been able to meet up. Well, we finally did. and I'm glad we did. But, of course, it comes with a lot to unpackage.

Its funny because I don't know that I have specifics. We were at the brewery for probably 3 hours. I had 3 beers. We got some chips and queso. We talked about my dad. What else do you say? He told me some acid trip stories which were perfect. Talked about how much my dad loved to golf. Talked about, idk, everything really. Ourselves too, you know? But

Okay, so like most of my dad's friends that I know, they met my dad when he was manic and really fucking christian. And thats fine. But I swear to god, like Dan H was like "your dad was a conservative man" and I am just like, man, you couldn't be farther from the truth. Like, he loved guns, but give any yankee a gun and they'll change their tune. My dad, minus the guns, was never a republican, I don't think. But I know the church makes you say/think/feel weird things. I did too as a kid, you know? I used to be super uber pro-life and hyper-conservative.

But I wanted to find that part of my dad that I know would still click with me post-christ. I want to know even if he'd be disappointed in me, we'd still be okay. I want to find the part of him that is in me. I'd like to think we'd listen to records and I'd peer pressure him into smoking weed with me and we'd have a good night. Maybe not though. Maybe he'd've gone super crazy conservative or something. Who knows. That's the worst part about death is mostly I just get to speculate and play around with scenarios that will never come to fruition.

I wonder how christianity would have played out in the long term with him. Clearly my fire did fizzle. But what about his? Would he subscribe to a more chill gospel? I think jpusa woulda been his speed for sure. especially with the whole christian rock roots. He was so fucking manic those 3 years before he died. His bipolar was long cycle more or less and he was just... fucking wacky the entire time. I wonder if they could have ever found the right medications for him to sort of balance him out.

But Todd, man, its so weird, I do the math. By all accounts, he's a stranger. I think I saw him last when I was 11. And I saw him a few other times as a kid. I can't remember any of these times. But we are just baring each other's souls like we've been lifetime friends. That's really what made everything about that night perfect. And maybe its that part of my dad thats in me that just was so overjoyed all night. It was so good. Talked about how my dad always cranked the music to 11 [even when I was a little kid trying to fking sleep hahaha]. Ah. I dunno. It was all so perfect and rebirthed my imagination and memories and stuff. It was simply perfect.

Todd collects coins. And he gave me a coin. That was so sweet of him. I've added it to my very small collection. but it meant so much to me and I'm like crying and it was just a present. I have no good explanation. Just holding it close.

His wife Andrea gave me a box of makeup. Its mostly like ipsy leftovers, but it was still very sweet of her. There was some good shit in there too.

I just hope i get to see him again soon. I don't want to have to wait another 4 years.

Today I had off, which was nice, although I didn't get too much done. I made the mistake of watching the latest episode of Steven Universe this morning [Spoiler (click to open)]So, its obviously not the same, but the frustration Steven expresses which only getting other people's takes on his mom and not getting to form his own hit me hard in the feels. I know this is the best I get with my dad, but I wish i had more. Soon I'll have spent more of my life without my dad than with him. This awful milestone is looming over me like a dark fucking cloud. I have so little. I barely remember shit. I didn't care about my dad when I was 15 because I was dumb and 15. And now I run around trying to find my dad in everyone else. But at least I have something. Its just not fair, though.

I really am thankful for everything I have. but I do still miss my dad. I wish I had more.

Finishing the rest of my day, I mostly was just melancholy, played pokemon go, and cleaned up the house a bit. The day flew by, but I felt like I did nothing.

And here I am. I'm glad to have gotten this all out, but I'm ready to shut off my brain and read.
Tags: dad
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