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tank girl pipe
Posted [sticky post] on 2024.10.14 at 00:13
Current Mood: awesome


This journal is about 50% "Friends Only".

I've gotten in plenty of trouble for things I've said.

You never know who's reading, you know?

Comment, or just add me, and I'll probably add you back.

Unless you speak a language I don't understand. Sorry, Ruskies.


When I add people I think are neat, I try to leave a comment. But if I couldn't, I might have blind-friended you. Sorry about that. You don't have to add me if you don't want to.

tank girl pipe

pretty uneventful.

Posted on 2016.07.21 at 22:34
Hey.

Things are pretty good right now. Let me get caught up though. I know its earlier than usual. I decided just to do this before watching netflix or something. idk.

So, letsee. after my birthday, not a whole ton has happened. A LOT of pokemon go. pretty much every evening I had been walking ~3~4 miles to new places. I've walked to bubble tea. And walked to voodoo donuts. I forget which nights it was, but it doesnt matter. bubble tea place rules. voodoo donuts was /good/, but pretty overrated. Friday was further pokemon hunting.

Saturday I got my tattoo done. And not much else. Although I fucked up my diet because i had a HUGE dinner before, and a huge dinner afterwards



Sunday was mostly pokemon go again. we pogo'd to a place to get pancakes. and went to Zilker brewery. I went to check out this punk show / art show but... ... the art was pretty lacking. and what was there was kinda meh. so we just had a pint and left. i wasn't really keen on the show itself. Marissa came over at some point and we got to pogo with us. We met Jenna down at auditorium shores. it was nice.

this week hasn't had much going on. calm before the trip i suppose. im starting to get a little burnt out on the pokemon thing. i think ive walked damn near everywhere i can lol. not exactly, but still. starting to reach a point it feels. maybe ill go back to my workouts soon. that'll help out. i haven't been working out because my arm is still sore. I'll get back at it on Monday and it'll be easier to hit my calorie goals again.

this saturday is my birthday party. which will fuck up my diet, im sure. whatever. i hope i dont gain weight in iceland too. oy.

sunday is the wrestling ppv. which also should be good, but bad for my diet. lol. so, after the smackdown/raw draft, im feelin pretty discouraged. i liked the idea of the brand split, but with it in front of me im having second thoughts. i guess we'll see how it goes. also, the fact that bayley wasnt drafted makes me p sad. shes my fave in nxt. whatever. no one wants to hear me ramble about wrestling.

well, that was thoroughly uneventful. sorry. hopefully my next post will be more exciting.

tank girl pipe

30 feels the same.

Posted on 2016.07.13 at 00:59
Hey. It was just my birthday. But now midnight happened, so its not anymore.

I didn't mean to not post the last few weeks. just got caught up in other stuff. So let me catch up.

Two weekends ago Saturday was pretty uneventful, if I remember correctly. Z's friend ihrig was in town. He's fine. I think we went out with Hodge and played mini golf and we drank a bunch. Sunday I went out to Abby's for the 4th. I thought Copperas cove, the city she lives in, was only an hour away. but its wayyy farther. We stopped at a new brewery on the way to her place. She made a TON of food. And I ate a ton of food. It actually really fucked up my diet.

Friday I was posting about being close to 125. well, after the 4th i was at 130lbs again. Uuuugh.

After that discouragement, I've been kinda meh on the diet thing. Just was frustrated. Decided to stagnate. On the actual 4th, Monday, I hung out with Jenna and we went to the fireworks. It was really nice. I've always liked the fireworks.

That brings us to this past weekend. Friday I went out with Mike and Jenna again. I actually got locked out but that was fine. Jenna and I had both just gotten pokemon go so we were talking about that and playing it and what not. My god that game is good fun. So, normally, my exercising involves jogging in front of the tv. well, no more. I'm going out! for long walks! for pokemon! haha. Technically, I get less steps in, but it actually feels like a real/better workout. So I'mma stick with it. It feels nice to leave the house more either way.

Saturday Z and I started by going out on a hike down to the greenbelt. We found some overgrown trails and had fun exploring them. Afterwards, we went to a food trailer park for ice cream. It was apparently cooled by nitrogen or something like that. tbh it tasted like normal ice cream. But it was still interesting. We also got cheesecake because, well, like i said, i was tired of dieting. lol We also got lunch at a new place called epicurie and got a cheese plate and some boudain. which was also delicious. oh and their house made pastries were killer. because i also got desert. i managed to squeeze 5 deserts into Saturday. hahahaha. Later Saturday was PARTY WORLD RASSLIN which was quite fun. Its a local wrestling circuit and its well done.

Sunday I went out with Sabrina to a boat party. It was pretty fun, although I had to drive so I didn't get to drink much at all. I did a lot of swimming. It was pretty fun! I didnt know many people since I was Sabrina's +1 and i got confused for someone else once which was awkward. but thats okay.

Not much else has been up. Today was my birthday, but I mostly worked. Z got me some plugs with little beetles in them and a pair of vertebrae earrings. i love them. At some point, pokemon go finally fixed the servers for downtown austin, so after work and after i got ice cream, i went around to all the pokestops and such. i havent challenged any of the gyms near me since theyre super hard and im not even level 10 yet. Its nice to finally have a full pogo community rn tho. Its been neat to see other people around. Someone high fived me randomly. It was honestly really nice. I thought about getting voodoo donuts since it was tuesday night, but the damn place still had a line. so i got an almond croissant from easy tiger. i wound up giving a little less than half to a homeless person because they said they were really hungry.

that about catches me up. i guess ill ttyl.

tank girl pipe
Posted on 2016.07.01 at 00:05
Hey. Sorry, I was gonna post a few days ago, but just never got around to it.

Friday we did good to solidify our Iceland and Faroe Islands trip. Everything's written out and I feel really good about it. Its also just really nice to have all the planning done. I have pretty much exactly 30 days before we leave. I can't wait to not work for 3 weeks.

Saturday started with Z's company picnic. We were only there for about 3 hours. And it kept raining on and off, which, doesnt exactly fare for good picnic-ing. Z won the tug of war contest, so I'm proud of him. I got to see Sabrina and meet some of Z's coworkers. After that, Z had to work at the brewery. While he did that, I went and got my nails done and popped into Michaels to get some craft supplies. magnets for our bottlecap board, black thread for a skirt I'm hemming [by hand. because i dont have a machine. uuuuuuugh], and black dye for my swimsuit top. I went back to the brewery and Tessa was there, along with Aaron and Aly. We hung out for a bit. They eventually had parties to go to, so after Z was done at the brewery we just went home. I dyed my swimsuit top. It looks really great! I probably like it more than before. So I suppose ultimately that was a happy little accident. Eventually Tessa came by and we went to Pinthouse Pizza. It was nice just to hang out on the patio.

Sunday started with blackstar, which ruled, as always. Then we went down to the greenbelt just to swim and drink beers for forever. 4 or 5 hours anyway. It was nice and relaxing. I only got a little sunburnt on my back and the tops of my boobs. i guess i shoulda sprayed a little more into the tops. oh well. After swimming Abby swung by and I got a massage and we hung out for a little bit until they had a movie and we went to Alys for fajitas, margaritas, and GoT. The season finale was fantastic.

Week's been chill. Im not working the 4th, so Ill prolly go to Abbys to hang out for her thing. saturday i gotta do the registration sticker on the damn car.

Wednesday, which is yesterday for another 5 minutes, I got to see fucking CONFLICT! Total Chaos too! And 3 other bands i hadnt heard of, the scandals, deadly reign, and grand collapse. The show was just awesome. I hadnt been to a real awesome PUNK show in forever. and i forgot how friendly punx are. I went by myself and made a ton of show friends, and possibly an IRL friend too if he's cool. I think i'll catch a pint with him on Saturday if everything pans out all right. he seems cool tho. Big Mike came around with free pizza. he said he'd go to my birthday party!! he was excited to hear Marco lives in san antonio. Oh, Marco was supposed to go to the show, but didn't. oh well. I had a blast. my only complaint is i dont really like the lean/push type of pits. i much prefer circle pits. but that hardly matters. everyone was cool, the bands were great, and i got to have a couple of beers. successful evening. i scooted out pretty much as soon as it ended though. mostly because everyone i had met was very, very drunk at that point and i just didnt want to deal with it. ive always been a ghost-er when it comes to leaving parties/places. i hear its very rude, but whatever.

diet did /okay/ this week. sunday i kinda fucked up. but still, only about 1.5lb gain... could be worse... worked it off already. and really as long as each monday is a little lower than the last, its sufficient. I'm very close to 125. might hit it saturday, but maybe not since i might go see finding dory. and ill prolly fuck up sunday, so whatever. still, i look back on my old pics and its just ... crazy man. i just keep on keepin on.

all's well. good week. ill ttyl, lj.

tank girl pipe
Posted on 2016.06.22 at 23:00
Hey.

This weekend was pretty good. Ben's wedding, for a Thursday wedding, was pretty fun! It was way jesus-y-er than I expected, but, whatever makes them happy. I actually hadn't met his now wife, but I'm sure she's nice. I drove home that night, mostly on account of the fact that I forgot my overnight bag. But I also didn't want to get wasted, and I also didn't want to deal with morning traffic. All in all, I think I made the right decision. I danced. but not in heels. I retract my champ statements from my last entry. hah.

Friday I had to work while everyone else had off. So when I got off work at 8pm, everyone comes in drunk as a skunk. Sabrina was hanging out with me that night so it was pretty overwhelming hahaha. But I figured it all out. We all went to eat at ABGB and had some pints. They went to watch Finding Dory, although idk why youd pay to see a movie youre too drunk to remember. best part: Z apparently fell asleep during the beginning of the movie, so I get to go watch it with him. Probably Saturday night.

Saturday we went tubing in New Braunfels. The Guadalupe river was closed so we had to wait FOREVERRR to tube the Comal. This was my first time, since tubing up north involves sledding with innertubes. It was pretty fun, honestly. I decided to be designated driver again, though. I'd love to do it sometime where I don't have to worry about driving. Also: the innertubes stained my damn swimsuit. Granted, it won't fit me next year anyway. Hell, it already doesn't fit as well as it did when I bought it. So, whatever. Fuck it. Just annoying that the back of my top has all this black shit on it. But not the front. I thought about buying some dye and dying the top. But I'm also terribly lazy. We'll see. That night we washed up and made some burgers and sausages. I was supposed to get brats but I was so damn tired I dropped the ball and got ole regular sausages. Oops. Whatever. I applied enough sunscreen that I didnt get burnt that day, but I barely tanned which disappointed me. hah.

Sunday we met up with everyone for sushi before they all went back home. After that, I think Z and I just played video games until we went to Ten's place (i guess Amanda moved out) to watch the wrestling PPV. Which was one of the best ppvs i'd seen. possibly ever. but ive only been watching the ppvs for about a year now, so I don't have too much to go off of. I won't spoil anything, although I doubt anybody reading this is a wrestling fan.

Monday I got my crown put in. It feels good. And man, idk, that last tooth was so disgusting that I feel like a whole new mouth, really. Loving my new smile.

Thats about it, really. I did good diet-wise this weekend, somehow. IKR? miracle! Probably being the designated driver both times helped keep the calorie count reasonable. Lets see if I can keep up the momentum.

My period is coming soon tho. which will always ruin my diet. hah. we'll see.

This weekend should be good. friday i think Z and I are gonna just stay home and plan the rest of our trip. saturday he has a company picnic gathering that he's on the fence on going to. then, he has to work the brewery, and then i think we're seeing finding dory. sunday, we're going down to the greenbelt to swim with a bunch of our pals. should be fun.

Im hoping updating my lj will help kickstart me to write an email to the tattoo artist. ive been putting it off for a while now. i dont mean to. ive still just, you know, its that anxiety thing. whatever. just gotta do it.

later lj.


tank girl pipe
Posted on 2016.06.16 at 00:23
I actually wanted to write sooner, but Z has been home sick the last two days with a stomach bug. While its nice having him around, I feel uncomfortable posting on lj around him. Just can't focus. It also threw off my rhythm, so I'm happy to have the night to myself.

Friday Z was at the brewery and I can't say I did anything. I think I had a beer by myself and watched wrestling. It wasn't bad.

Saturday Z and I ran some errands in the morning. none of them involving getting a new sticker which we really, really need to do. Got Z some dress clothes, and I got part of Jenna's present. I also got to take Z to the turtle pond which was nice since I'd mentioned it often. Its a pond that is just FULL OF TURTLES. Its right by UT tho, so if school is in session, its impossibly busy. Thankfully, school is out and turtles were seen.

We met up with Miriam and her bf to catch the soccer game at Haymaker. It was crazy busy and crazy hot, but I got alcoholic lemonade, and a strawberry-peach boozy thing, so it wasn't as hot after getting some cool drinks in me. US won, which rules. I think we won our group, which is crazy. Afterwards, we went back to our place to smoke hookah, drink beers, and watch another soccer game although I can't say I paid as much attention to that game. It was nice to hang out with them.

Sunday was the mario kart tournament, which was ... it was something. lol. We made a trophy and even commissioned Jenna to draw a pic of Skittles. The trophy looked p awesome tbh. I left in the middle to go for a hike, and also ran errands for them a couple of times. Towards the end of it, I think literally everyone hated Mario Kart. It was like 10 hours straight. David won by 1 point. No lie!

sucked on my diet this weekend. Sunday was merely so-so, but I gotta stop letting myself fucking snack. I just graze incessantly if I let myself. Saturday I really fucked up and I cant quite know where. I'm assuming sugary alcoholic drinks had more calories than I thought. either way, the last 3 weekends have just been shit for my diet and I feel like Im getting nowhere. Maybe this weekend will be better.

Still, I gotta stop thinking its a 'bad' weekend if the only thing really bad is how badly i mess up my diet.

since Z's been sick the last few days I haven't gotten good cardio in. Just frustrating lately. idk. It'll be okay.

wedding tomorrow. Z's buddy ben is getting married on a fucking thursday. fuck that. i think this one is gonna be a swanky-dank wedding. but hopefully it'll be fun.

crown for my tooth got pushed from friday to monday. oh well.

idk whats exactly going on this weekend. people from outta town will be around. Z said he wanted to float the river. i still havent done it and would love an excuse to use my new swimsuit i got a while back. we'll see.

guess thats all for now.

tank girl pipe
Posted on 2016.03.30 at 01:03
I know its been a little bit. I got pretty sad about my dad's deathaversary and just sort of fell silent. Sorry about that, I guess. Let me try and pick up where I left off.

Okay, so the weekend after my last post, I went shopping like I said I would do. Got some jeans, and even a dress for the weddings I have coming up. I also got some workout clothes because it was marshalls and everything was cheap as hell. Also, I presently have to do laundry 2x a week to keep up with workout clothes. with a few extra bottoms, I can be more lazy. I feel fabulous in everything so I'm glad I did it. wearing clothes in a proper size really help me see the weight I've lost.

Later that day I joined Sabrina downtown to do some sxsw stuff. specifically flatstock, which is where artists sell their prints. I got some art and had fun looking at the art. I also got a neat shirt and a pin of a cat smoking a cig and drinking a beer which was quite brilliant.

Z was working at the brewery that night, because they were having a big ole event with bands and stuff. I joined him up there but I didn't really enjoy it as much as I would have liked. It went, like, several hours later than advertised and I was tired from all the shopping/walking. Oh well. It was nice to see Z. I had missed him all day.

Sunday Z and I went out to Live Oak's new brewery since we hadn't been out there yet. Man oh man, I love their beers. It was a lovely day too. We got a little cactus terrarium they were selling made out of their beer cans. I got a shirt from them too. Actually, as a result, I FINALLY cleaned out my closet. I had a lot of really (really) *REEEEALLY* ratty ole punk shirts that I realistically couldnt wear anymore. I had tried sewing them, making 'em decent, etc but it just wasn't working. So I turned 'em into patches finally.

Z's been pretty miserable at work lately. He does tech support too, but for a different company. Theyre basically transitioning into just being a call center, which he isn't excited about since its starting to feel a lot like HG. He kinda hates support and wants to transition into maybe working full time at the brewery. Or maybe something else. Who knows. I feel bad for him. I'm glad I still like my job.

Uh, all last week i was just mopey. I can't say I did anything or got anything done. At least not much. Oh, you know, maybe I sewed up some shirts? I've still got 2 or 3 left to sew I think. Phil came into town. We got some beers, but that was about it. It was nice to chat. We're going up there this weekend to see him and Amanda and go to Wrestlemania which I'm admittedly pretty stoked about still.

Thursday came and thursday went. It was a harder ride this year than last for some reason. Likely because i'm dreading next year where I will have spent more of my life without my dad than with. I am just dread dread dread dreading it. I was p drunk the night before and tried to FB message one of his old friends (who i guess ignored me or something. whatever) and listened to my dads favorite band. really, the king's x kick extended into thursday and has been kinda ongoing. but yeah. it sucks. i hate that the human mind is so fragile. ive lost so many memories. i wish when he died i wrote them all in my lj so i wouldn't have lost them. i coddle what few i have. i cant remember his voice except if I hear recordings (which i lost ALL OF THOSE THIS YEAR. which sucks.) I barely remember his face except the smile that is etched into pictures. its unfair. memories don't last. our brains dont hold memories like hard drives. It sucked. It sucks. It will continue to suck. Time marches on.

So, I guess that puts us at the weekend that just passed. Marco called me randomly on Friday so he came up from san antonio. We went to 4th tap where I met up with Z who got off at the brewery and was hanging out with some of his friends. It was a nice night. Marco slept over and Z didn't sleep well I guess. Marco woke up and went to drive lyft all day (the main reason for coming into Austin. I guess San Antonio isn't as good as Austin is for making money via lyft). I let Z sleep and I went out and finally got a fitting bra that looks cute (so, like, when i wear tank tops and my bra pokes out at least it looks cute). So I'm now a 28HH/30H which was hard to even FIND something cute, yet alone in my size.

I also got my first 2 piece swimsuit. well, i guess ive had tankinis before, but I mean, I got a proper bikini. Back as a christian I thought it was important to be modest and all that stupid shit. i felt personally responsible for preventing boys/men from lusting after me. which i know now is a load of bollocks, but i was dumb back then and society was a bit different. After deprogramming myself from all that, I still felt too fat and full of stretch marks to wear a proper bikini. But, these days I see so many awesome people rocking whatever they want. I figured I would too. so here goes:





I actually weighed into wii fit today and it finally for the first time ever said I wasn't overweight. I hit a normal BMI. I'm waiting to celebrate at 135 on the nose (i keep hovering at 135.5 uuugh). but I'm still happy :) The end goal is just a little teeny bit further off (120~125. something like that.) it feels good to have the end in sight.

and since I started taking these vitamins I think I may have a bit more energy too. I've been doing evening workouts again (not much, but just to keep in the habit). That's helped too.

Oh, I started rambling. That Saturday night Z and I just went to black star for some food, and got shit done around the house. I had neglected everything when I was sad so it was nice to get things a bit in order. I didn't really see Marco that night. I guess he got in super late so I just left the door open for him.

Sunday we went on a pretty hardcore hike. Marco joined us willingly, and I even tried to cut the hike short, but he insisted (despite getting pretty grumpy towards the end). It was only ~6 miles, but it was pretty up and down. It would have been good training for guadalupe peak! my calves are actually still a little sore.

Marco went home and Z and I went over to neff and marissa's. I dont think we'd seen them in a few months. It was nice to see Adrielle (their kid) awake. We played with her a bit and had fun. Had a LOT of barbeque that neff made. Mostly wild hog and venison. I got to meet Marissa's parents because they were in town. It was a nice time. We didn't get to eat till late and I ate too much, but the hike at least helped even the day out. heh.

Oh and Z and I bought those confetti easter eggs and we smashed em at our place. AND at neff and marissa's. haha. i still haven't cleaned up our place, actually. i keep finding confetti in weird places. but it was fun. it was nice to reclaim that fun from the past. last time i'd played with them was with chris which ended poorly.

Well, that catches me up. I'll be a little more vocal now that the proverbial grey skies have passed. Later.

tank girl pipe

Prematurely: damn you autocorrect 💩

Posted on 2016.03.15 at 23:20
I have a ton to write about, honestly. Fire, weight loss, and gender. But I'm on my iPad so we'll see how this goes. Z is working from home. My desktop is in the living room. I'd wanted to give this a spin for a while, so let's try.

This weekend was.... It was okay. It got better as it went on. Friday Z and I went to fourth tap for the release party of super Russian roulette. It's an NES cart which is mega cool. We got to play the game and it was super fun despite how simple it is. We wound up buying it off their Kickstarter that night. It won't ship till early 2017 but tbh idc. I got drunker than I intended to that night. Hahaha.

Saturday was pretty busy. Z and I first went to black star to vote on the hop madness competition they're doing. We had a lot of fun trying to guess the beers/breweries. It was really nice out too. After that we went home and met up with Paul and his sister anneliese and we headed to fourth tap (again) to go to the local wrestling match. It's called party world rasslin and it is the greatest thing ever. The stunts are more acrobatic than athletic, but it's still incredibly fun and impressive for a local circuit. And oh it was so so funny. All our friends I invited left toward the end of it. None of them really like wrestling so I guess I get it. But I like wrestling so I had fun. I hated feeling like Z and I are the only ones (out of my friends) that got it, though.

Sunday Z and I went down to San Marcos to hang out with Paul. We went for a short hike (which admittedly annoyed me, but his sister wasn't really adequately prepared.) and went for falafel. The falafel was really unique and interesting (and good!), but not my favorite. That night I think Z and I just watched walking dead and wrestling. I fell asleep during the Dean Ambrose/HHH match. Oops.

Monday (*gasp* a weeknight!) I went to square by squarewave (also at fourth tap lol) for a chip tunes show. Z had to work so I went by myself. I felt terribly anxious about it because it had been so long since I had just done something on my own. But I liked it; it went so well! And I met up with Osk and Stas who I was friends with online but not really irl. But we actually finally talked and hit it off. Which is Good because Osk is pretty and Ive had a crush on them for a while now. Oh and Stas figured out the mystery of my necklace!! It's a laptop modem from a toshiba laptop. I was so tickled to which Osk replied that their wife is so talented and they are too cute. this necklace has been a huge mystery for a while now! I even danced a little at the chip tunes thing. A couple of the acts were just amazing. I'll have to check them out further. Tbh, it was really the first time I felt legit joy that wasnt helped by beer or benzos since Nicole died. It was so so nice. I still miss her, but it doesn't hurt the same. Which is good.

And that brings me to today. Just catching up on chores and tidying up. Got a doctors appt on thrusday. So hopefully I'm not dying.

Oh! And I'm having a mini /Lj/ meet up Friday. I swear to fucking science. Me, mikexpop, churrodoll and the_hamburglar. I'm hella stoked and slightly embarrassed XD

In the next few days I'll write about that other stuff. I think I like the iPad well enough for making entries in the bedroom, but after an hour it does start to hurt.

Hasta luego, eljay.

tank girl pipe
Posted on 2016.03.10 at 23:01
I'm feeling chatty.

I forgot to mention in my last post, before it devolved, that I had to do a distro upgrade. chrome stopped supporting the LTS of ubuntu i was on, so i finally upgraded. Then, I had to work extra to get every fucking thing working again. Its finally done and I can pop over to my windows partition because I wanna play undertale really fucking bad. oh fuck. THATS what I wanted to buy offa amazon... a USB controller... ugh.

At any rate, yesterday I listened to music and sewed a whole bunch and chatted online. It kind reminded me of the old lj days. Its been a wonderful way to spend my time (well until I started reading old lj entries and getting sad). I've still been pretty depressed but I'm still working out, showering, moving, and trying to laugh here and there. Just not let myself fall down that hole, you know? With my dad's deathaversary coming up it'll take some work. But it'll be okay. I have some stuff planned, so we'll see how it all shakes out.

This weekend i have some stuff planned. and I'm excited to wear my sewn up shirts. so it should be good. 2 events, wait, 3 events at 4th tap. gonna do the hop madness thing at black star. hopefully go hiking and see zootopia.

I finally decided the best thing to do to fulfill my new years resolution to do backups is to just store an HD at my friends house (that way if I'm robbed/fire, I'm kosher). I just dont need cloud backups and between having a linux desktop and wanting complete control, I'm just not getting anywhere. fuck it. Sabrina said i could store an HD in her closet. I bought a tb today for 50 bucks. man, i remember when a TB was crazy. even when i built this tower TB drives were still a little spendy. not anymore. cool

i finally emailed this guy that i wanted to book a tattoo appt with. FINALLY. and I think I'mma do a chicago trip in May if I can plan it out with Buttons.

At any rate, I think I'll do some more sewing and then shower and boot into windows and all that. maybe ill shower first. idk.

thanks for listening to me ramble, lj.

tank girl pipe

Lets get depressed.

Posted on 2016.03.09 at 00:30
Current Mood: sadsad
It took me a few hours to get caught up. Normally I catch up on lj while I'm working and then post when I'm off, but its been too damn busy to do that. I probably would have started reading instead of posting, but its storming out and its just so relaxing to post and listen to the thunder.

god i cant say much happened last week. I was supposed to get the results of my physical, but the damn doctors called me !3 hours before I was supposed to be there- letting me know my results weren't in and rescheduled for the 17th. You know, its, like, 100$ if I cancel without a proper warning, but when the doc cancels... no repercussions. Whatever.

I re-dyed the green in my hair. I still had a bunch of old green bottles lying around, so I figured I'd use 'em up. I'm trying really hard not to hoard hair dye. So I'm using up this old stuff before I buy new stuff.

Saturday Z and I finally celebrated V-Day and got steaks! We both ate so much that afterwards we took a nap. hahahaha. Oh well. It was delicious anyway, but next time, despite the better deal, I'll get the smaller portion. I also got dessert, which didn't help, but it was so good. Before the steaks, we caught up with one of Z's friends from back home. We saw Hodge too, which was cool.

I read Box Office Poison all week and the ending has destroyed me. maybe its because im depressed. idk.

Actually, yeah, so I'mma get into emotions, so if you wanna leave the entry on a good note, cool, otherwise, welp, shits about to get emo.

Fucking Nicole, man. I went to her funeral ceremony thing. And, its, like, its become a real thing. As opposed to this "maybe she faked her death" or "online prank" sort of thing. They had her damn MLP collection there. So I took one. The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't have magic strong enough to raise Nicole from the dead (nor does twilight sparkle, really) and its fucked that I even think that way. Fuck everything.

It was nice and it was cool to see her houston friends. And here I am, a more emotionally stable person, so I'm keeping myself together so I can support everyone else. So I cut jokes. Like her lesbian beiber hair before she grew it out. talked about how we hated her getting that damn motorcycle. i hate her fucking motorcycle.

i have a bottle of conditioner she left at my house and she said she'd come back and get it and goddamnit now she cant, you know? She was in town a month ago but didnt see me because she was busy and goddamnit nicole why did you do that? so, i have the damn pain pills and im not even in pain but they sure do help with the emotions. but i only got one left so its time to just... here it is. lets get depressed and make shitposts on lj and ig and everywhere else.

because if she lives anywhere at all anymore, its probably online. and dear god the woman loved to sleep. perhaps death isnt so bad.

pretty sure i drove past where she died on the way home.

it was a

long

way

down.

How long did she have while she was falling. she must have known she was about to die. was she scared? did life really flash before her.

fucking morbid, i know. whatever. no one has to read this shit. but i sure as hell had to type it because nicole, shit, im scouring chatlogs and shit for memories and obsessing over your facebook and i still keep coming back to you racing laps with me in the pool. you swam so fast. you were so pretty. its not fair.

and i wish you could come back

because now i sit around listening to shitty music i knew you would hate. shit that makes me think about all this, but fuck, we all know you hate this shit im listening to. we could never ever agree on music. well, chiptunes. we can agree on that. but you, you know, electronic and shit. idk.

just. i dont want you taken from me. not yet. i want you to come back. and you can't.

so ive binge-watched a bunch of hoarders and now there's no more left and im still just sad and, fuck, i'm left to process all this.

patrick and i made jokes. on the day you died. about how you would have been happy to know your death was pretty crazy. they had to close the 610 ramp and part of i-10. when they barricaded it, a drunk driver rear-ended a cop. another driver, distracted, also smashed through the barricades. no one else was hurt, but you didnt make it easy either. thanks for raising hell. you were one of my favorites to raise hell (or just chill whatever) with.

did you take the ramp too fast? idk. you were a good driver. did someone cut you off? i betcha that because houston drivers suck and EVERYONE LOOK TWICE FOR MOTORCYCLES OKAY. JUST FUCKING DO THAT SHIT FOR ME PLEASE.

youre on my fucking xbox and it still makes me sad. i mean, i wont login as you. i think everyone would be mad if i even looked. but youre haunting me everywhere and it makes me sad.

your obituary is kinda fucked, you know. your bio family still can't get shit straight. whatever. fuck them.

what did they do to your body? were you cremated? will you be buried? ill visit your grave if they ever tell me where.

i drove home from houston listening to shitty music and crying and thinking about last moments.

and i got that all out of my system, sure. but now im just left with sadness. such. very. sadness. and some memories too. some good memories, even. funny ones. but im so fucking depressed and i just want to stop being sad.

im sure i will eventually.


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